Motel Room Window

I look outside at the court yard of the motel through the filtered light of the drawn shades. I see a family in the court yard, gathered in preparation to have a barbecue on the grill in the common area.

A bag of mesquite is punched full of holes and doused with lighter fluid shortly before being set ablaze. Smoke soon spirals up as the wood begins to burn.

Their kids are in the pool playing Marko Polo. One girl is obviously peeking and the others call her on it. "she's cheating", " No I'm not" An obvious sign they know one another very well.

Other family members arrive bringing in large sacks of raw meat and literally begin to chop it on the picnic table next to the grill.

The coals are assembled on the pit, the grate is placed on top followed by the meat.

Each of them brings something, each contributes, each is happy to be a part of the gathering. They notably show signs of joy to see one another and embrace as new members arrive.

I can't help feeling a little resentful towards this unknown family, Sitting alone I think, why can't I belong to something like that? Why is my own family so indifferent, so lacking in any traditions, so cold.

My family begrudges getting  together, detests traveling for times of celebration and makes no effort to keep in touch of their own family members as each year passes.

I then question who am I ? Why does it have to be this way? Does my family share no love for life? No celebration of a new day together?

I can see how this could make a person sad, or even angry. After all isn’t it what we all want and seek deep down, to be a part of a loving family. Not a person sitting alone watching other families simply as a spectator.

Is this why people who've been estranged from family or peers become violent? Did they experience separation at some psychological level that starved a fundamental need? Stories of deranged people who bring harm to complete strangers are told on the news seem to have this common theme in some form or another. Can it lead to this?

But what about me? What can I do? Virtually none of my family want to get together anymore and have dispersed themselves in various parts of the world. I often wonder if this was by chance or by choice. If there was no effort made towards keeping the family together, no genuine desire to be close, to share life, was it that we were being starved of that very fundamental need so went searching for a way to feed it? Was it a subconscious part of our mind to migrate somewhere new and start a life of our own? Most would publically confess a migration of such was it was due to an employment opportunity, but privately or even subconsciously, it was maybe due to the fact there was nothing worth staying for.

What can I do with this situation, or with this new found knowledge? No one member of the family really wants to talk about it if they even acknowledge it exists. It surfaces a feeling of hopelessness for any form of change.

I then shift my thoughts to, how can I prevent this cycle from repeating itself with the next generation, namely my children?

All I can do is to keep positive, stay attuned to my family by keeping in touch with them in all they do. To realize life is about them now and less about me as they make their way into this world. For me to detach from anything that anchors me to the point of preventing positive changes from taking place.

I vow to physically live in close proximity to my children during retirement years, relocating to where my children live and if they all don't reside in the same city, then I will pick the first to have grandchildren knowing memories come from simple spontaneous moments that are entirely missed via any modern forms of communication.

My vow shall include taking time to be with family, grandchildren, spending money only on things that allow for making positive memories, realizing money by mail in no way is a substitute for the sharing of quality time.

Maybe this won't bring complete change to the next generation but at least they will know what I stood for and that I lead by example. Which is really all that I can do.

So thanks "unknown family" for helping me to learn about myself and to bring to surface a part of my past that I now have future vows to live by. And thanks "motel room" for allowing me to look out your window with such a limited yet focused view that forced me into taking time to pause, reflect and quiet the noise in my mind so I could understand what is truly important.